Caketastic Birthday Blowout

Being an Aquarius and born in the ghastly year of 1985, I recently turned 25.

I didn’t really have a big birthday blowout, or anything as crazy as the word suggests. I did put on a pretty party dress and have a few friends over, though. I even received a singing telegram, compliments of my father, along with two noise complaints from neighbors. And I baked a cake.

A friend who bakes for a hobby and has made a few wedding cakes lent me her professional cake pans. I’d been planning on doing a big 3-tiered beast but when I saw the 6”, 10” and 14” square pans and realized I’d have to bake 2 layers of each if I didn’t want a squat-looking dessert, I decided to nix the bottom layer. It alone was supposed to serve 50 people! I may not be the most practical girl, but even I knew that would be entirely unnecessary.

Since I couldn’t decide between red velvet cake and traditional yellow birthday cake, I set about making both. I scoured cake recipes in my cookbooks and online and inevitably chose the ones with the most butter and eggs, deeming them “authentic.” My alarm set for 6 am on my birthday formally observed (since my real birthday was on a workday), I woke up and removed 2 whole packages of butter and 10 eggs from my fridge to bring to room temperature and went back to sleep. Don’t think I’d forgotten the half-pound of cream cheese or the pint each of buttermilk and heavy cream. I let them warm up and gave them some loving later on in my leisurely day.

Hours passed pleasurably as I oscillated between mess making and cleaning. When the cloud of sugar settled, I’d stained my white seat covers with red food coloring, spattered creamed butter on the walls and dirtied every bowl I owned. A birthday baking success!

After my cooked layers cooled, I frosted the yellow cake with a satiny chocolate frosting, easily made in the blender. The recipe that follows was actually my favorite discovery of the day.

I torted (divided each of my two layers in half) and frosted my red velvet tier with an airy cream cheese frosting. The whole cake was refrigerated with a crumb layer, then given a final frost a few hours later.

I piped melted chocolate onto parchment paper and then firmed it up in the fridge before transferring it to my cake. Atop the pristinely pale cream cheese screamed the words “Fuck Yeah 25.”

I declined to try my hand at prettily piped borders and instead tossed on some coconut, creating a fun effect that reminded me of Top Pot’s feather boa donuts. Lacy and The D, who showed up early with take-out Ezell’s fried chicken, helped my haphazardly throw some sprinkles on the side edges. Lacy made me the sweetest card - dedicated to 10 years of best-friend status, a gorgeous secretary pen necklace, and The D installed a dimmer in my kitchen, providing the perfect atmosphere for my birthday-candle-blowing-and-wish-making moment!

By the time Jamie and Niel of Seattle Singing Telegrams were wildly performing The Beatles' “Birthday” (which transitioned awesomely into “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”), I was ready to cut my fucking cake, yo! Jamie and Neil passed, but I don't blame 'em. I’m sure they get offered a lot of cake. It's a job hazard.

Savoring a sample of each layer, I nestled into my couch with a White Russian cocktail and watched The Big Lebowski with my remaining friends.

The birthday girl abides.

Chocolate Satin Frosting
Adapted from The Joy of Cooking

By Irma Rombauer, Marion Rombauer-Becker and Ethan Becker

6 ounces unsweetened or bittersweet chocolate, broken into small pieces

1 cup heavy cream : )

1 ½ cups sugar

6 tablespoons (¾ stick) unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

1 teaspoon vanilla (or booze!)

In a small saucepan, bring cream to a boil. Remove from heat and add chocolate without stirring. Cover and set aside for exactly 10 minutes. Scrape into a food processor or blender and add the remaining ingredients. A drizzle of rum or strong coffee would be welcome additions at this stage, too. Process until perfectly smooth. Set aside until thickened to desired spreading consistency. This keeps in the fridge for one week. But if you're me, you'll find yourself pulling out the Tupperware two weeks later and spooning it up while you watch Thumbsucker and World's Greatest Dad back to back on a Friday night.